Urg. Y'know?

Today has been a freakin hard day, I'm not gonna lie. I felt a sadness that I haven't felt in so long. I could feel it in my eyes and I could see it when I looked in the mirror...

We believed. I believed. We prayed. We woke up in the middle of the night quoting God's promises back to Him that he was supposed to heal Rachel....There was no doubt in our prayers. I had my questions, of course but no, it wasn't doubt.

I've been taught that our God is a God that follows this little list that's called, "DO THIS AND YOU'LL GET THIS EVERYTIME." And it's a fake list. It's not real. It's not true...at least in my, or Rachel's reality it's not. Don't get me wrong, I know Rachel is having a blast and is much better off than we are but I'm shaken up that this formula I've been taught all my life doesn't work. Not that I ever liked formulas when it came to God. I always thought formulas were for math and science...not a relationship with the Most Captivating Man Ever. How did we ever come up with the idea we could contain Him in a formula?

I still believe God is a God of love and compassion, kindnesss and grace, peace and joy...He's wonderful. But if what I've been taught all my life is true, there are only 2 conclusions that can be come to: 1.) God is a liar, or 2.) We didn't have 'enough' faith. And I can't find either one of those things to be true. There has to be another option. God is mysterious and beautiful. He cannot be contained in our boundaries. As hard as it is to take on a day like today, Dave reminded me: "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." His name is still blessed. And I will bless it. But God it still hurts. And it would hurt worse if it was even closer to home than it is...I can't imagine.

I miss Rachel. I miss her sweet spirit (although she constantly made fun of me. =P) I miss her servant attitude that always kicked me in the butt cause she loved to serve...in the small and the big, and sometimes I only like to serve in the big. I miss her smile. Her joy. Her love. Her compassion.

So here's to you, Rachel....live it up and make fun of us while we're still down here. =) I love you dearly and I can't wait to be with you where you are. Thanks for all you've done for me. I love you.

God of compassion and the Father of all comfort, be with Rachel's family tonight. Be with her close friend's tonight too, and through the coming days. I can't imagine what it'd be like...speak to them. And let the Spirit of Comfort give the peace only You can give. I love you, Abba. So be it.